Thursday, August 24, 2017


I have had bi polar and anxiety for over 20 years. By now, I just about know what to expect. I've read many books and articles on mental illness. I've learned methods on how to try to cope and adjust. But, nothing can prepare you for watching a loved one deal with depression. I want to rush in and fix everything. I give years of advice, forgetting there is no quick fix. For all I have learned, I forget that mental illness does not go away. It is gut-wrenching knowing he is having those hopeless and helpless feelings. I remember that feeling of being in a black hole and wondering whether I will ever get out. Those stupid tears that come for no reason. Sleeping round the clock, but never feeling it is enough. I stand back and see the forgetfulness and confusion. I can help but only so much. He has to do the hard part. He has to wait to see if the meds work. He has to try to understand what is happening and ways to help himself, all the while, struggling to work. All I can do is be there for him. Listen when needed and not push. I cry in private, not wanting him to know how worried I am. I am trying to hold it together myself. I do not handle stress well at all. But, he needs me. This is not the time for me to have a relapse. I will be strong and do what I have to for him to get better. Sometimes I wander which is worse, having the illness yourself or watching someone else suffer.

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