Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Accepting the Highs and the Lows

Remember the expression what goes up, must come down?  Well that is certainly true of bipolar.  With my medicine, I don't have the big difference in moods many have.  But, I still can tell a difference.  In summertime, I get about 4 good days a week.  Many major chores get done.  Small projects can be finished or at least started.  Then right when things are going smoothly, it feels as if the bottom fell out.  I don't become extremely depressed.  It's more like a general sad feeling.  That I could handle by itself.  Along with the sadness, is exhaustion.  It feels like an extreme case of mono.  My whole body just shuts down.  The first day, I stay in bed.  I sleep around the clock.  I am able to eat meals and take medicine.  Even with a taking a vitamin, I can not rid myself of the tiredness.  The next couple of days, I can stay awake longer.  I still have that worn out feeling.  Going anywhere is out of the question.  Slowly, the fog starts to left.  I can sit up longer.  Then one night, I get more energy.  I know I am cycling up.  The next day is a good one again.  Summer is better than winter.  Winter does bring on mild depression.  The anxiety worsens.  After all the years, I still find myself discouraged.  I kept telling myself with a couple of more good days, I could finally finish everything.  No more falling behind.  Maybe, I could even get ahead of things for once.  I know this will not happen.  I know how this works.  I know I will always have the good and bad days.  What I have not learned in all this time, probably the most important lesson, is ACCEPTANCE.  Without this, I will always be disappointed with expectations of myself.  Instead of coming to terms with an illness that will set limitations on how I live my life.

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